Hated By Life Itself
by Mileytheotaku
Summary: I had given up on life before I was even born into this world. Nothing could make me change my mind. Drabble-ish story of an OC who has the power to change everything, but doesn't until the last moment on a whim. But unfortunately doesn't get her death wish and is forced to live with the consequences. Updates are infrequent. Rated M for dark themes.
1. acerbumdulce

Giving up wasn't hard.

In fact it was all to easy for someone like me.

That's all I had done in my previous life.

Made sense to continue the sad, pathetic tradition.

I died a coward in my previous life, I was going to in this one too.

And I didn't care.

Getting reincarnated into a new life was a bit rattling for a me- a person who had been raised in a strict Christian home. It was also disappointing that I couldn't just drift away into nothing or burn in hell. I wasn't partial to either one. God knows I deserve it.

Reincarnation wasn't so bad, once you got over the initial shock. It was easier once I knew where I was. And when.

It was a sweet relief to know I would die when I was 10 years old. By the hands of a family member.

Just like last time.

* * *

I had 10-well technically 6 when I found out- years to do whatever I wanted until I died.

It was too long and so short at the same time.

I napped throughout a majority of it.

My parents were freaked out when their precious little baby girl so sweet and innocent how could she-

My new parents were understandably freaked out when their new daughter only seemed to slept all day and never talked. It was understandable, I was considered a novelty in the prestigious Uchiha clan. Sleeping all day and not giving a damn about the rest of the world.

How I had little pride in my clan and didn't strive for anything aside from seeing how long I could sleep without interruptions.

They thought they were being quite and discreet about the whispers, but I knew and I always heard and had this feeling when they were talking about me and they judged and whispered and-

Breathe.

I didn't mind. It was my fault. Whenever the woman who was my new mother dragged me out to the park the kids would stare at me until I fell asleep in the sandbox.

I was being petty against my new mother, she hated giving me a bath-I would sometimes stay underwater too long- but I didn't care.

Let the dead sleep as the saying goes.

It was strange seeing a chibi Sasuke at the park, talking about his amazing Aniki.

His Aniki was a saint in my eyes.

Konoha's savior from a civil war and my liberator from this realm of the living.

My lips quirked up in a smile for all the -wrong?- reasons.

* * *

Years passed quickly as I celebrated my 6th birthday in February-of all months the months it had to be-

It was weird-my birthday being two months and twelve days early-and I was completely unprepared and too tired to fake enthusiasm. I tried, but I felt a tinge of guilt when this worlds parents had a disappointed look on their faces as I didn't react to the nice shuriken set.

Seems like disappointment runs in both lives-eh Claire?

I hate myself sometimes.

They asked me if I wanted to go to the Academy of course, and I replied no.

The cake was surprisingly sweet.

* * *

I almost laughed when I heard what the doctor said.

I have a disorder, and I agree. But he says it's a speech disorder, and I have to disagree on this part.

Considering I've been speaking and singing in a language that is only spoken by one in this world for my entire life.

My parents never noticed the signs.

My new ones weren't so bright either.

I happily sucked on the lollipop-a black and orange swirled of course- skipping back to my temporary home and to my bed.

My new mother, of course, was baffled.

* * *

They brought up me going to the Academy again. Shame, I was enjoying my 7th birthday cake.

They wanted me to make friends.

I did not.

Humans were a lying, manipulative race who didn't matter in the universe, no matter how much they like to boast and claim otherwise.

Myself included.

Very rarely did you find someone who was worth it.

They were disappointed of course but didn't say anything. Not to me at least.

In the safety of my room I muffled my hysterical laughter as they talked to my grandparents of me possibly having a mental illness.

* * *

I managed to go 8 years without meeting any of the main cast of the world I was thrust into.

Shame, I would have liked to have gone through this life pretending I didn't know the fate of this world and a majority of its contents.

But Sakura was from a civilian mother who likes to gossip with clan mothers.

"Why are you sleeping?" Wide eyes too naive and innocent. One day they would filled with sorrow and sadness but she'd live.

I gave her a dull look before deciding why the fuck not- I mean while in Konoha?

"Cuz I wanna." My voice was still heavily influenced by an English accent that never seemed to go away.

My new mother was so star struck by me talking she invited her mother over for tea.

Oh joy.

* * *

My new mother was impressively stubborn.

Sakura and her mother came over almost every single day for several months before Sakura left for the Academy.

I had only talked to Sakura twice in that time.

Within the safe confines of my room of course.

_"I think ya would be good at iryo-ninjustu."_

_"Oh really?"_

_I zoned her out and fell asleep as she rambled about her best friend Ino._

_I wish I could tell her how her friendship would turn out. But I don't like hurting people._

_The only exceptions was myself of course._

_She was talking about growing out her hair for a guy while playing with some of my drawings._

_"I think you look better with short hair."_

_I don't know why I said that._

_"Okay, I'll cut it."_

_I blinked._

_When had I become such an influence on her?_

The last incident was a week ago, and I was so grateful she went to the Academy.

Now I can sleep.

* * *

I'm guessing growing up during the 3rd Great Shinobi War was completely different than growing during a war in my past life.

Even though I was only 8-almost 9-years old, I woke up to find my new mother gone and me alone.

I smiled ruefully-shouldn't she know better than to leave a mentally ill and disabled child alone?

I guess a spark of my former self still lived, because I don't know what else compelled me to go for a walk.

As I passed by the neko shop from that one filler episode-or was it several? I can't remember- a few cats followed me.

They were loud and sounded-smug?- like I was was the most interesting subject to talk about in front of my face. I couldn't understand what they were saying, but from the looks of Itachi and Shisui knew.

I wonder what it was.

They had wide black eyes that turned dark and sharp and seemed to be analyzing my-well everything.

I decided-it may have been my nerves- to start skipping and humming a song.

The cats stopped following.

I didn't look back.

I made it to the forest and kept going. I saw the Naka river.

Sadly-or fortunately- it wasn't the place where Itachi and Shisui conspired against their clan at. The river just ran along even to the ground.

I looked over at my reflection-that was so, so wrong-

Haunted, empty black eyes that were to large. Deathly pale skin that still somehow had dark circles under the eyes. And dark blue hair of course.

The same blue as the color she dyed her own before it was turned to a dark, bloody red-

Breathe.

My eyes were pretty red of course.

* * *

Everyday since the neko incident-what else was I going to call it- I had noticed a black crow -raven?- following me out of the corner of my eye.

I'm wasn't going to attract unnecessary attention to myself, but I couldn't seem to stop the far too wide and crazy smile that appeared on my face.

_Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."_

* * *

I hated how my new mother was forcing me to go over to Sakura's house once a week.

Have female friends is what caused this whole damned mess.

I knew she was desperately trying to fix her broken daughter-who was shattered to far and beyond the ability to be fixed- because we were over at a civilians house. My new mother was an Uchiha, but she reigned in her pride for me.

It only made me feel guilty.

But in the end it doesn't really matter.

_To me._

* * *

I was 9 years old when I saw him.

Naruto Uzumaki, the savior of the Shinobi world.

He looked so sad sitting in the entrance of an alleyway.

And hungry.

I don't know what compelled me to give him the rest of my yakitori.

I didn't regret it.

And who's to say if my smile on the way home from the shopping trip was genuine or not?

* * *

It's been the talk of the clan recently- Shisui's death.

My cake was so sweet. An commendation award for making it a decade in my new life. Sadly it would be the last, as things would be spiraling down-oh so quickly- from here.

And only I knew how down it would all end up.

If memory serves me correctly -and it did- the massacre would take place in November.

It was so close and to far.

* * *

We went out shopping again- my new mother and I.

We passed by a book store.

I stopped but my mother kept walking.

There were brightly colored books with a red circle and a line through it on the cover.

My lips quirked up at the bittersweet memory that came to mind.

I was still staring when the infamous copy-nin appeared before me.

He nearly ran me over. When he noticed my presence, just before he was going to walk into me, he merely stopped and raised an unimpressed eyebrow.

I returned the favor.

As he walked off I couldn't stop myself from snarking, "No excuse _me _old scarecrow."

I had briefly entertained the thought of calling him Baka-kashi, but I wasn't that cruel.

I didn't see the look on his face, but he froze for a second before continuing on his merry way.

He was always her favorite character.

I walked quickly to catch up with my new mother, who never noticed that I was missing.

_6 months left._

* * *

We rarely went to Sakura's anymore.

I was both relieved and sad.

Although I couldn't tell you why I was-sad that is.

_5 months left._

* * *

You could feel it in the air.

The pressure, the tingling, the damn-that-was-going-to-burst feeling in the air.

My new parents seemed to miss the looks of anticipation that I knew would cross my face briefly.

_4 months left._

* * *

We hadn't been over to Sakura's in weeks.

My new mother just had this sad far away look on her face.

We never went into village anymore.

I slept.

_2 months left_

* * *

I could feel the tension getting tighter-like a violin string being wound tighter and tighter until it popped.

Sometimes I would get the feeling that someone was watching me.

It was a raven of course.

I fed them whatever happened to be in my pockets. I don't think mochi is very healthy for ravens, but they were eating it out of the palm of my too small hand.

They were kinda cute.

I decided that I wouldn't mind being a bird.

_1 month left_

* * *

I wonder why I didn't just save Itachi a sword swing and end it all years ago.

Surely that would have been easier? A child that accidentally got out and drowned in the river was more believable than Shisui's death.

"Oh." I saw out loud for the first time in months -years?- because oh it is.

I don't want to die.

As a ghost who had died like me -save for the luxury of actually dying before, he was only half dead- for almost the same reason, steps into my room he actually pauses.

I guess I would too if a person-little girl who doesn't look so right in the head- that I was about to kill started busting out laughing in a voice that was so hoarse it felt like it hurt.

And hurt it did.

He actually looked surprised that I was in here -as surprised as one could look in a mask- He probably wasn't able to detect my chakra strongly. I didn't have a lot, on the bare minimum that was required to survive.

My pool was smaller than Sakura's- a civilian 2 years younger than me. I didn't touch my chakra at all. It felt _wrong. _Even civilians used their chakra whether they realized it or not- I am getting off subject. He probably originally thought by my chakra that I was a pet or something.

Tilting his head a little, before giving a shrug he swung the sword back.

Who's to say what motivated me?

"I'll tell Rin-chan you send your love, Obito-kun."

The blade misses its target from surprise and pierces my shoulder instead.

He hisses and twist the blade down before pulling it out, insuring that I bleed to death.

I look at that one eye hole with a Mangekyuo spinning rapidly and matched it with my own.

And who's to say what motivated me?

I gave him the memories of the past and future of this god forsaken world.

(And coincidentally the sad, sad story of the depressed girl who was just another number in the statistics of death in her previous life. One who couldn't get over the violent death of her female lover, so in a twisted way of suicide convinced her over religious drunk of a uncle -because the irony was not lost on her- to kill her because of what she was-is.)

So in this life as well, her death is nothing more than a sad statistic of a death that could have-and probably should have- been avoided as well.

Life was a horrible, horrible thing that seemed to hate those it was in charge of.

He's standing over me, the self proclaimed savior of the world, slapping my face and asking me frantic questions.

I don't know why I didn't answer him immediately.

My eyes glaze over and I drift out of focus because maybe a small part of me does want to die.

But I don't really have a will to live.

This world would continue.

No matter how I much I just screwed it up- possibly saved it instead?-

It doesn't matter.

He's shaking me now, my head rolling back and forth like a doll and Itachi has just appeared by the window.

And who's to say what motivated me to tell them that 'yes, it's real'?

There was a raven.

Then darkness.

I can finally sleep.

_Someday, we, _

_We will be forgotten like dried leaves and we will disappear._

* * *

**Hi, so this was the original plot and storyline of my other fanfic, but I still felt like I had to write this anyway. Hope you enjoyed it even though it's depressing. I might upload a chapter every now and then based on if she survived that night or not. I might just leave the rest up to your imagination.**

**Disclaimer: The name comes from Hated By Life Itself cover by MafuMafu. Nevermore is a poem by Edgar Allen Poe and Bohemian Rahpsody is by Freddie Mercury.**

**~Miley**


	2. Intemerata

**Hello there! I updated the last chapter, cleared up the wording and formatting in some places to make everything smoother.**

**The rest of my updates will be short drabbles like this and maybe once or twice a month. My main focus right now is writing my other story and finishing up my last year of school.**

* * *

I know why I slept every chance I could after I realized I wasn't dead.

Dreaming was a luxury that was lost to me in this life.

I didn't even notice until I fell asleep for -hopefully- the last time.

Images and scenes long pushed out of my mind danced in front of my mind, unrepelled and I was unable to stop them.

_A sleepover at the age of 16 was where it all started with an accidental kiss. We teased that it sounded like a cheesy line from a book or a movie, but whatever it was, it was ours. It was at a sweet 16 birthday party for a mutual acquaintance -who invited too many friends(?) that had nothing to do, in order too prove she was popular- we were both alone __putting out our sleeping bags __while everyone else was cramped in the kitchen eating. Her too soft lips were on mine, eyes wide and staring back at me. As we blushed and broke away, I made a stupid joke about at least buying her dinner first. She said as long as it wasn't too fancy she wouldn't mind._

It was hard to tell when one memory or dream ended-as they all started blending together.

_Our first sorta date at a nice restaurant in town, telling my parents it was a youth church meeting from a friend that went to a different church. Me making a joke about kissing her again, her flirting back with me with no hesitation -and from that moment I knew-. I was dumbfounded and an embarrassing stuttering mess the rest of the night. She said I was adorable. I said I was smitten._

There were nightmares too, seemingly making up for the last 10 years of empty sleep.

_Standing in the door frame frozen, unmoving as her brother strangled her, beating her head up and down on the tile floor. Her eyes open wide but unseeing -and they will never, never see again- her dark blue hair -that I loved oh so much- splayed out, dripping in a puddle of a dark red sticky substance. The peices to the intricate picture didn't come quite together until he started yelling profanities about 'how dare his little sister be butch', not realizing that he was talking to a corpse. Him standing out and coming up to me to ask if I knew who it was. Me not knowing what else to do other than deny, deny, deny as the neighbor called 911._

_Going to the funeral and mourning a lover that no one knows was yours was the thing that killed me the most. Having memories and moments and thoughts and dreams and feelings that were so personal and shared with only one person in the entire whole, wide world, but suddenly they -both the person and the memories and feelings- were gone, gone, gone, to a place you can never reach. Or could you?_

_Suddenly everything was different with colors not being the way they were supposed to be and I went through my entire life in what felt like forever -but it also only felt like 2 seconds- staying particularly long on the moments of me and her sitting on the couch watching her favorite anime -that she was always so, so obsessed with, but I loved her for it- and I couldn't do anything to stop it._

I couldn't wait for this to be over. Maybe I could finally get some rest.

Or maybe this was my own personal hell.

Which I undoubtedly deserved.

* * *

I woke up.

I cried for the first time in 10 years because I really, really wanted to still be dreaming -apparently that was too much to ask for and wanting something never helped anyone much- but I my eyes were open and my shoulder really, really hurt.

After I had calmed down -because there's no use morning the still living when they're not dead- I turned to the side to see a raven staring back at me.

The sharingan in its eye mocked me of another death that I could of prevented if I wasn't so damn selfish.

That was a character flaw I had that even death and a new life couldn't fix.

It suddenly flew off, through the open doorway leaving me staring after it. I briefly glanced around my surroundings -also briefly entertaining the thought of me trying to escape just to finally die- to see it was a plain room, with a bed, nightstand, and a window to high for me to reach.

I turned to see Obito -without his mask surprisingly- walk into the door way, staring at me for a few minutes, before turning back around.

He had a look in his face that I couldn't read -I had always been bad at reading people but she wasn't- but I didn't put much thought into it, as it didn't matter.

I just merely pulled the cover over my head with my good arm and tried to fall asleep.

If only to dream and see her one last time.

But unfortunately I got my wish of hell because who other than Itachi Uchiha was clearing his throat on the other side of my warm blanket demanding -politely of course, he had manners- that I answer some questions.

* * *

**Next chapter will be a Konoha POV post massacre.**

**~Miley**


	3. Caedem

**Hey Miley here, I want to thank everyone for their follows, faves, and reviews!**

**I just realized, as I'm proofreading, that I never gave her a name...**

**(It's my first time writing in 3rd POV so bear with me)**

* * *

**Third Person POV **

Shikaku Nara is an accomplished jonin and had survived in the ruthless Shinobi world a long time, considering his position and fame.

Although he is an experienced fighter in his clan's famous shadow technique, his tactical and analytical skills had set him intellectually a head above his peers -save for the one late Minato Namikaze.

As head jonin he has a responsibility, and a duty to the village that he swore to protect. His job encompasses a lot of work and if he's being honest, Shikaku finds himself so tired he contemplates quitting on a daily basis.

-He claims it is because he needs to focus on his son more, but Yoshino would call bullshit and say that he's just too lazy-

But he only just entertains the idea because it's too cruel to leave Hiruzen by himself and with the poor sap who would be forced to take his place.

But tonight he seriously debates quitting.

Being woken up in the middle of night -or early morning, he didn't actually know the time- after going to sleep late on the couch, because of his wife's continuous harassing for something or another he did, was reason to consider the idea enough. However, being told that the entire Uchiha clan was wiped out by Itachi -the pride and joy of said clan and one of Konoha's finest prodigies and shinobi- and that he had to the Uchiha compound and afterwards go into the office to get started on the unholy mass of paperwork made Shikaku seriously want to tell the ANBU outside his door to tell Hiruzen off and go into the kitchen for a drink.

Although a part of him -the analytical side- wanted to know _how_ they knew it was Itachi, before he even arrived on the scene, he ultimately pushed that thought aside.

Shikaku is a smart man who knows when to _not_ ask questions. He would have been blind and deaf to not notice the political**_ tension_** -there were many other words to describe that particular clusterfuck- surrounding the Uchiha before their coincidentally timed demise.

So Shikaku decides its better for him to just accept what the Hokage says at face value and continue on with his life.

Drawling out "How troublesome..", he tiredly follows ANBU Owl to the Uchiha compound and to get started on the mess of report filing and paperwork that would undoubtedly consume the next few months of his life.

* * *

Hiruzen had a rough day before Danzo had decided to take matters into his own hands.

Hell, he had a rough couple of months since Itachi had reported the rapidly accelerating unrest of the Uchiha clan.

He bitterly thinks of how his late successor could have handled the situation without as much bloodshed-probably without any bloodshed at all.

Chuckling sadly, he imagines how Kushina probably would have handled the situation faster than Minato ever could have. He'd been painfully aware of Kushina and Mikoto's close friendship and doubted Kushina would've aloud Minato, let alone himself, let the situation escalate this far.

While wondering how differently things would be if he had the peace talks a day earlier, Hiruzen glosses over the written report of the Uchiha Massacre wondering what he should do.

Itachi Uchiha had hastily given him the written report-which was a generous term considering the few sparse sentences- a few hours earlier before briefly asking him to watch over his brother and then running off. Hiruzen had read and re-read the same lines over and over again still trying to comprehend what was on the paper-

_Hokage-sama,_

_The leaders of the Uchiha coup have been successfully eliminated, however, an Uchiha girl has unlocked a special version of the Sharingan that has granted her the ability to see a certain future. The Shinobi posing as Madara's identity has been revealed as Obito Uchiha; a chuunin who supposedly died several years ago in the 3rd Shinobi War. He has taken the girl to one of his Akatsuki hideouts to interrogate her and has asked me to join him. I have accepted and will join him and to gather intel and will report soon. Please look after Sasuke for me._

As student of the great Nii-dame, Hiruzen was vaguely aware of the Mangekyou Sharingan and its ability to grand the user a unique power. However, as far as he was aware, it could only be unlocked by killing the person you love most. Even if there was a way to unlock the Mangekyou through extreme circumstances -not that the assassination of her family wasn't extreme- but the girl shouldn't have known they were were murdered to unlock it and and even begin using its abilities.

Itachi was in ANBU for a reason and he doubted that Mada-Obito would've been less discreet.

Which only lead to the conclusion that she had the Mangekyou for an undetermined amount of time before the massacre. She obviously hadn't told the Uchiha head leaders.

If she had Hiruzen doubted that he would have even heard about the massacre.

So the girl had unlocked her ability and hadn't told anyone.

It meant that she intelligent but no clear loyalties to Konoha.

On the other hand, however, there was no proof she hadn't used the knowledge against Konoha either.

But that wasn't the only problem Hiruzen had now because Obito Uchiha turned out to be alive. He vaguely remembered Minato's and Kakashi's report about him being crushed under a boulder knowing that they truly believed him dead. The fact that he was indeed alive for these past years and had conspired against Konoha raised a lot of questions that Hiruzen didn't particularly want to ask.

For now, he decided that he would put an end to Danzou root organization and go along with the story that Itachi went insane.

Rubbing the bridge of his nose, Hiruzen took a long smoke out of his pipe and hoped that Itachi reported back soon.

* * *

Shikaku was grateful that the removal of the bodies was going fairly quickly -thanks to a majority of Konha's ANBU and select Jounins coming on duty to help with the cleanup- considering the larg. They were roughly 78% finished and had been working for the past 5 hours.

While the Nara head was extremely thankful for all the extra ANBU hands helping he was a bit wary because he hadn't realized that Konoha's Black Ops division was _that_ big-

Looking back down at his paper he skimmed down to the total number of survivors. Only 9 of the roughly 500 members had survived the massacre.

Well technically 10 if you include the person -supposedly- responsible for this slaughter.

It was a devastating loss to Konoha's Jounin and Chuunin ranks and the entire police force had been wiped out.

Of the nine remaining, there was a young couple who were in critical condition from multiple stab wounds and Sasuke Uchiha -who was in a high level genjustu- being taken to the hospital. The other six, four children having a sleepover and a pregnant woman who was watching them, were being taken to TI for a brief questioning.

Although if Shikaku was being honest the only reason they were being taken there was because no one really knew what else to do with them.

An event like this had never occurred in Konoha before and there was no rules or procedure to follow -that and Shikaku really did not want to start on the paperwork so shipping them off to TI was ensuring that Morina got his fair share of work-

He was debating on just making Ibiki deal with the Police Force paperwork, leaving himself to just write a report about the cleanup and making sure whatever clan paperwork was filed -or maybe he could just pass that off to the new clan head- but he wasn't sure what excuse to use yet.

"Nara-Sama."

A voice shook Shikaku from his musings and he turned to look at the tense jounin.

"What is it?" Shikaku drawled out. Somehow he had a feeling his night was going to get worse.

"There is something I think you should see. Please follow me." The middle aged shinobi seemed nervous and confused while he motioned Shikaku to follow him.

Quizzicality Shikaku followed him into a nearby house and stopped in the door frame of the room the jounin had entered.

"It's a pool of blood?" Shikaku question with one eyebrow raised. He wasn't entirely sure why the young shinobi would bring him out here to see his cleanup.

"Sir, there was no body here when I entered the room. And as you can see there is a small trail of blood going from here to the window. I think someone took the body Nara-sama." The jounin explained while pointing to the blood trail towards the open window.

Drawling out a long sigh, Shikaku rubbed his face and told the jounin to look around the house and find out who was missing. The Nara cringed to think of how much paperwork a missing body was going to cause him. Specifically when this missing body was from a clan with a powerful optical kekkai genkai.

Giving another long, exaggerated sigh, he walked out of the house and stared into the early morning sky, wondering why he didn't retire earlier.

* * *

**Sorry this took so long, my parents put a wifi block that only lets me on the internet for school. Next chapter will be Itachi questioning and won't be out until mid-June. And sorry for any mistakes I didn't really have time to proof read.**

**Hope you liked it!  
~Miley**


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